Dear Mr. Conservative GOP Man,
Here I am, basking in the glory of a Super Tuesday in which Democratic presidential candidates got nearly twice as many votes as Republicans.
I turn on the news (brought to me by General Electric), and I find out that you are so desperately sad that it makes Tim Russert want to cry.
It raises a question, Mr. Reactionary Right Wing Constitution Hater:
What in the heck is wrong with you?
I understand that you hate John McBush, but I don't understand why.
I get that you love Mr. Willard, but I don't get why.
I hear that it's because John McBush isn't conservative.
Huh?
I don't know that much about you guys, but I do know this:
John McBush is no liberal. He's a conservative, and he's every bit as reactionary as you are.
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Let's talk about reproductive freedom, since nothing gets you excited more than telling a woman when, where, and how she can do that thing with her you-know-what.
Mr. McBush has never wavered on his belief that the government should be able to tell women what to do when that thing happens that you don't like to talk about unless you're in a bathroom stall somewhere.
Mr. Willard, on the other hand, used to be pro-choice, just a couple of years ago. He even went to a Planned Parenthood rally. (Can somebody bring THAT Mr. Willard back?)
I mean, I understand Mr. McBush isn't 100% perfect for you on reproductive freedom. For example, it is true that he has stated flatly that he would not favor prosecuting women for having abortions. But that's the same position held by other reactionaries like Ron Paul.
Meanwhile, Mr. McBush has said things that should be joyously received by you, things like this:
I think the respect and commitment to the rights of the unborn is something I've fought for, and it has a lot to do with national security.
National security? WTF? Mr. McBush might be crazier than some of you guys, Mr. Radical Cleric-man!
If nutty is what you want, nutty is what you got. Why you dancing with Mr. Willard? His hair?
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Going back to national security though, let's talk about that whole national security thing for just a second.
You know that little war you guys are fighting in Mesopotamia?
Mr. McBush is so damn conservative on that war, he makes Bush seem liberal.
Jebus. Mr. McBush is the guy who gave Bush the urge to surge in the first place.
Seriously. Mr. McBush loves war so damn much, he brags about how he had the urge to surge before Bush eve did. Haven't you ever listened to him speak, Mr. GI Joe Patriot Man?
As for Mr. Willard, it's not just the time tables. He also thinks the fact that his five artificially cloned offspring are campaigning for him is a big a demonstration of patriotism as your cousin's friend's neighbor who is serving in the armed forces.
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Now let's talk about economics. Oh, how you hate Mr. McBush because it took him a couple of years to support all of W.'s tax cuts. But he supports them now, and he votes for them every damn chance he gets.
Meanwhile, your Mr. Willard says he's for tax cuts, but then again, he's the same guy who said he wasn't trying to be Ronald Reagan or George Bush during his one and only campaign for the U.S. Senate.
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Then there's the the little issue of religion.
I want to give you guys a little props her for religious tolerance. I never thought you had it in you.
Mr. McBush is a Baptist now, or so he says. He also says all things considered, he'd prefer to President of the country to be a Christian.
It's interesting that you guys hate Mr. McBush so much that you'd support Mr. Willard. I mean, I guess you just don't give a damn about God after all. If you did, you'd be supporting Mr. McBush's running mate, Mr. Huckaveepee.
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I just don't understand what makes Mr. McBush such an anti-conservative.
I know you hate poor people, but so does Mr. McBush.
And not just any poor people -- but poor kids who need health care. When President Bush asked Mr. McBush to support his veto of SCHIP, Mr. McBush was there to help keep children without health insurance as unhealthy as possible.
Mr. McBush even expressed admiration at Mr. Bush's efforts to eliminate Social Security in favor of a private retirement system.
Yeah, I know -- that's too liberal for you.
But what do you want from him? To go out hunting and shoot some senior citizens in the face?
Gosh. You're so mean spirited.
No wonder everybody with a heart is voting for Democrats these days.
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You know, and that reminds me.
I don't know a single Democrat who really thinks Mr. McBush is a liberal. Sure, some of them have fallen under the spell of the media propaganda and don't realize quite what a big liar he is, but even they you ought to be putting him on a pedestal instead of stepping all over him.
Even independents know he's a conservative. In New Hampshire, he got fewer votes from independents than Hillary Clinton did!
I know, that makes your blood boil. On the bright side, that might slightly thaw your frozen heart.
Don't get any crazy ideas though.
Anyway, if Democrats think John McBush is a conservative, and independents think John McBush is a conservative, and most Republicans think John McBush is a conservative...what the hell are you?
Let me know, please. I've got a morbid curiosity.
Sincerely,
Jed
(cross-posted at http://www.JohnMcBush2008.com)
© Jed Lewison